revisiting my tumblr, same reasons as before. i feel like my life is a real underlying joke. theres no hope, no refugee, no goals. im so lonely. i have an insatiable loneliness, if i surround myself with people i still feel as alone as pluto. i cant sleep at night, and i dont seem capable of finding the strength to wake up when i finally catch a wink. ive learned to live with endless exhaustion. ive become a machine thats near burnt out. i cant stand to be around people anymore, ive forgotten how to socialize. i sit in the same coffee shop twice a week for 4 to 5 hours, never talking beyond ordering my coffee. i havent seen my family in over a month. i despise my bastards of parents but hold nothing but the deepest love of my siblings so much that if i gave it the thought it could make me cry. i dont want to leave them to this world, i want to be a guide for them. i wanted to teach english, i wanted to teach students as equals , i wanted to be a light to illuminate the truths and fallacies in the world to them, i wanted toculture free thinkers, i wanted to help mold the foundations of my childrens future, i wanted to facilitate the changes that would set off a chain reaction for change in our world. but i am overridden by this burden. most people ponder on how and when they will die, perhaps that is something best left unanswered. when you know as i do, your own method of shaking out of our mortal coils, you spend your time wondering if today will be the day, or if you have another dose of slings and arrows coming your way… until you ask yourself again the next day after dreamless sleep. i would rather sleep a sleep where dreams may come than one where the little that exist are void cocoons of dreams that were set on a tainted limb of support. ah the toxins that have poisoned us so, i have no stomach for them and spewing them will do no good; blackened vomit on a brickwall nowhere near represents the predigested meal. Will the brick work be damaged all by this? no, for what blackens my stomach is the same which binds the tenants of our society. martyrs will spew themselves in such a way, but the acid from their fluids can only degrade the bricks so much, while all the while the walls are being built thicker; from the inside. the only downside to life are the ties that bind us to it. i have been spewing in vain, and i am near spewing my last breath. the great frustration i have at this moment, is that no matter how hard i try, i still wake up
